Hey Michigan, would you like the Lakers back?

This morning, I was smooshed and smashed by the crowds of Lakers fans riding the subway downtown for the parade. I was merely trying to get to work, not trying to get body slammed by people who don't seem to understand that when you aren't holding onto something when the subway stops, you are going to fall over. Then I had to push my way through crowd of Lakers fan on the sidewalk between the metro stop and my office building. Here's a tip: don't suddenly stop when you are walking down a public sidewalk.

Once I finally go to work and though I was insulted from the parade-going fans, I was about to breath a sigh of relief. But I was cut short by the work from coworkers that several fans had been seen relieving themselves in the bushes opposite our floor to ceiling office windows. Hey guys, we can see you. Could you not pee on those bushes? Please?

The parade hasn't even started yet and already I'm in an extreme state of annoyance.

Make Your Own Fun... at Denny's

Or was it Carrows? Does it really matter? No. What does matter is that when you grow up in a cultural and opportunital (it's a word now!) wasteland such as Lompoc, CA, the chances of living to adulthood are both enhanced and inhibited by making your own fun.

To this end, our fearless duo Jack and Rob used precious high school class time to make lists. One of these lists, Things To Do in Wal-Mart, showed up several years later as a forward in Jack's hotmail account. Very strange. But today Jack and Rob would like to share with you a few of gems from Things To Do at Carrows (or was it Denny's?):

1. Pay in Monopoly money. When it is not accepted by the cashier, rail against The System.
2. Move all plates, cutlery, etc to the floor for an impromptu picnic.
3. Ask your neighboring table if you can borrow a cup of sugar.
4. Demand to speak with Carrow (or Denny).
5. After dinner, roll out a sleeping bag and ask for a breakfast menu.
6. Save money by eating a meal that consists soley of free candy from the dish by the register and packets of Sweet and Low.
7. While waiting for your "meal," start a craps game in the aisle between booths and tables.
8. Start a sing-a-long (your fellow diners may be slow to jump on this train, persistance and volume are the key).

If we remember more, we will share them.

Top Ten Most Annoying Things to Find in Your Cinco de Mayo Pinata

10. Mayo-nnaise.

9. Circus Peanuts.

8. Thumb Tacks.

7. Flour.

6. Used Contraceptives.

5. An Angry Dwarf.

4. A Rabid Squirrel.

3. A Variety of Bodily Fluids.

2. Spiders.

1. Swine Flu.

UPDATE: I TOTZ Believe That

I was just about to send my stupid former landlord rep guy an email asking what the frak was taking so long with my "second" security deposit refund check when, low and behold, it arrived in the mail. Hey thanks for letting me know when you were sending it to me, as I requested! Whatev, at least it came. And they took a $50 deduction for cleaning. Why it would cost that much to clean my apartment, I do not know. The bathroom and closet were the same size and it didn't have a kitchen.

But the good news is: I never have to deal with Horizon Realty again. Suck it Horizon Realty!!!

I Think We Went After The Wrong Evil Dick-tator

Can someone please explain to me why the people of Africa still get excited to see the pope? It doesn't make sense. What they should really be doing is lining up all of the AIDS orphans and giving them each a chance to kick the pope in the nuts. Yeah, that's right, I condone kicking the pope in the nuts. And you will too after reading this article.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29734328/

I TOTZ Believe That

I moved out of my crappy studio apartment two months ago, but have yet to get my security deposit back. Several weeks ago, I e-mailed (paper trail!) Horizon Realty to see what the deal was, and no one ever got back to me. I waited about a week and then found the office manager's e-mail as well as the office e-mail of the guy who showed me the apartment originally and e-mailed both of them saying they had violated the 21 day waiting period for return of security deposits, I had been in touch with the WeHo Rent Stabilization and Housing Dept. and if they didn't let me know STAT when I was getting my deposit, I would pursue this in small claims court. No one e-mailed me back, but the agent guy did call and leave me a voicemail asking me to call his cell phone and saying Wow he totally sent the check like a long time ago, how weird that I hadn't gotten it. He claimed he would stop payment on the check he supposedly sent me and send a replacement check and he asked me to call him back on his cell, just so he could reassure me that he had sent a check. Uh huh. I accidentally deleted his voicemail before I'd written down his cell phone number, so I emailed him back, told him that and asked that he let me know via e-mail when he was sending the check, so I could have a record of when I expect to receive it. He wrote me back this morning from a gmail address saying "ok" and then a minute later wrote back "sorry didn't see the first message 323-555-5555." Cause clearly I still really want his cell phone number? Also, I don't know what he means by "first message" because me saying I deleted his voicemail and didn't write down his number and my request that he let me know via e-mail when I was getting my check was all in a single email.

But also, why does he keep giving me non-business contact info? His cell number, a g-mail account? I didn't actually think Horizon Realty could get less professional (did I mention that this agent guy inexplicable wrote only my first name on my lease?), but then they just did. Amazing.

I WANT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!

State of Oc-noyance

Top 12 Reasons Why You Should Consider NOT Having Octuplets

12. If the world population is already 7 billion.
11. If there are 16.2 million orphans in the world.
10. If you already have six kids.
9. If you live with your parents.

8. If your parents declared bankruptcy last year.
7. If your dad will have to go to work for a contractor in IRAQ to help pay for the kids.
6. If your mom will say you are "good person but a little misguided."
5. If she will go on to say, "Newborns are never beautiful. They are so tiny I didn't want to touch them. They seemed so fragile."
4. If there will be an immediate outcry from the medical community that your pregnancy "raises serious ethical questions."

3. If you are "looking forward to telling your story"... for TWO MILLION DOLLARS
2. If the country is going through one of the worst recessions it has seen in decades (don’t come to us looking for a bail-out, lady!).

1. If that mom from John and Kate Plus 8 will say you've "gone too far."

What is this, Rent?

I've lived in Los Angeles for 10 years, now. It took a good 3 years just for me to figure out exactly where in the city I was at any given minute. Somewhere in year 4, I found out there was a man-made lake in the city called "Silver Lake" and, after college graduation, several of the cool kids defected there. Myself not including, not only because I am uncool, but also because I don't like to be around hipsters and hipster priviledge. Right now, there is a specific hipster bee in my bonnet: calling Silver Lake "the Eastside" and calling anything uncouth enough to be west of Vine "the Westside." I only started hearing this phraseology over the past couple of years and it struck me as wrong and stupid immediatly but I couldn't exactly figure out why. Except that it did seem to me that with the with all the money those kids were saving on soap and shampoo, they could buy a frakking map and notice that right next to Downtown is a little thing I, and probably a million other people, like to call East Los Angeles or the infinitely more poetic "East Los." For the record, I've only heard this jokingly refered to as "East LA" by people who know the area from living there and not just seeing the moving "Born in East LA." Point is: it exists. And it seems incredibly anglocentric to pretend it doesn't. So I figured the reason I was reacting so poorly to these pastey hipsters calling their home turf "the Eastside" was because it seemed to whitewash an entire region and culture that they were not, and never going to be, a part of.

But this morning, I got another reason. A columnist in the LA Times wrote about being born in Hollywood and how in his young adulthood, "started telling people I was born in East Hollywood. I liked the gritty feel "East" added to its name." Bingo. If you have neither the talent nor the lack of family money to actually be a starving artist, add "East" to where you live and presto chango: you just got yourself some street cred!

Furthermore, if you travel south on Vermont to Jefferson, you are in "South Central," so if you then go north on Vermont to Sunset, I think you are in "North Central." BOOYAH!

And you got me all hot and bothered in The State of Annoyance.

My New BFF Chip

For the past 3 months I have been sharing a cubicle with a guy named Chip. That's not his real name. His real name is Andrew, or at least I think it is. You see, he moves around every few years, and every time he moves he changes his name. Chip is his favorite so far, "because it is easy for people to remember". I know that I will never forget Chip. We both started working for a winery on the same day, and since we both had a half hour commute Chip suggested that we carpool. Chip didn't seem like the most reliable person I had ever met, but I am a sucker for environmentally friendly transportation, and if that meant carpooling with Chip I was willing to give it a shot. I volunteered to drive the first day and it wasn't so bad, although I quickly realized that politics were off limits when Chip said that he hoped McCain would win the election because his family makes parts for submarines and wars are really profitable for them. But as long as I stayed away from talking about anything real, it was fine. He even invited me to go camping with him and his friends. I thought it was a little weird since I had met him the day before, but now that I know more about him I kick myself every day for not accepting that offer. It's not that I think camping with Chip's friends would have been a lot of fun, but I know I would have come away from that trip with some stories to tell. Anyway, the next morning I was waiting for Chip to pick me up for work. I waited...and waited...and tried calling Chip...and waited. When the time came that I was going to be ten minutes late for work, I decided to just drive myself. Chip showed up to work two hours later and explained that his phone died in the middle of the night so his alarm didn't go off and he didn't get my call that morning. He also asked me to give him a second chance and, since I am a pushover, I agreed. So the next morning Chip called at 6:15 like he said he would. The only problem was that he wasn't there to pick me up. He had misplaced his keys and he was going to keep looking for them for another 5 minutes and then call me back. A couple minutes later he called back and said "yeah, I can't find my keys, and actually...my car". So I had to go pick him up, and he spent the whole commute calling his friends and asking them if his car was at their house. I was already really annoyed, and the one thing that really got to me was that he never called any of his friends by an actual name. They all had ridiculous nicknames like Butters and Big O, or if he was calling a girl he would just say "hey baby". Needless to say, carpooling with Chip didn't work out. The only thing Chip was good for was a good story. Every afternoon, one of our other coworkers or I would say "tell us a story Chip", and Chip could always deliver. Or you could just ask him what him and his frat brothers were going to be up to that night. One night, Chip and his roommates had a party and at some point during the party someone stole Chip's bed. Seems impossible right? Not for Chip. One day Chip came to work with all of the skin on his left arm torn off, and he explained that he was trying to skate board down the side of a mountain to impress a girl when he fell and since he was only wearing his "new overalls" his arms got all scraped up. I could probably tell you a million stories about this guy, but I think I will just let you look at his business card. Enjoy!

I Never Thought Anything Could Make Me Miss Comcast

So apparently, when you make an appointment for cable and internet installation through Time Warner's website, "sometimes it goes through and sometimes it doesn't." That would be a direct quote frmo the customer service lady I spoke to over the phone. After taking yesterday off work to wait during what I THOUGHT was my installation window of 10am-7pm, I called to double check that someone was going to come out and was told "oh yeah, no." When I pointed out that since it was their mistake that my order didn't go through (the one I made online on Dec 22), they should send someone out that same day, I was given a 5 min lecture on why it would be unfair to other customers if they offered same day installation, "because then appointments would be meaningless." As opposed to those meaningful online appointments which were just lost somewhere in the internets?

So I had to re-make an appointment for Sunday, which is seriously going to cut into my brunch time. She asked how many tvs I had and I said one and then she asked if I was sure. Yeah, pretty sure.

At the end of the conversation, the lady asked me to rate her customer service 1-10 and I gave her a 6. She asked what she could have done to improve the service she gave me and I told her she could have made sure that someone was sent out on the day I was told (by the internet) that someone would be sent out. She then said well I would if I could but I can't... so what could I have done to improve my service? So I told her nothing and she said ok well when the customer service survey people call you just remember that their questions only reflect the service I gave you and my ability to answer your questions. Yeah yeah, I'll keep that in mind.

Upon further reflection, I should have told her she could have sent me some lunch, cause I had been waiting inside my foodless apartment, afeared to leave in case the Time Warner guy came by and I was starving.

No Robert, I Really Don't Wanna

I went to a couple of local beaches with a friend this weekend to take some pictures of the ocean and wildlife. We were mostly looking to take pictures like this one:

But then we ran into this:

We really couldn't resist taking a picture of it. It was pretty risky, since Robert was probably either sleeping in his truck or standing right behind us. Anyway, I just thought I would help him out by getting his number out there. I can't imagine that his phone is ringing off the hook with all the business he gets from the Avila pier. Go ahead and give him a call. I'm sure he is a really great guy. And if you think you have the stomach for it, try googling Robert's phone number; but be warned, it could haunt you for the rest of your life.

I guess this guy is really more funny than annoying, but he is giving Robs everywhere a bad name and this Rob really doesn't appreciate it.

Vacation's Over

Jack found himself a new apartment over the past week. One that promises to be free from ceiling leaks and idiot management company receptionists. One that even comes with a delicious tidbit of Hollywood history attached. I though I may have left the State of Annoyance. For good. But, turns out, it was merely a brief trip and now: I'm back...

I have a degree in English from one of the top West Coast universities. Not only do I speak it fluently, I've been writing in it since I was a kid and based on my own bloated ego and the shared opinions of others, I know I'm not half-bad. You know who is half-bad? YOU. Yeah, you, with all the edits. I know, I know "the client wants..." Does the client want me to use European spellings of words? Or did you just not realize the American spelling is different, because the spelling you want is the title of a popular ladies' magazine. I routinely turn the sub-par material you give me into something that doesn't sound like a man with a cowboy hat is screaming it while pointing to the line of FI50s behind him. And this is the thanks I get? Adding a smiley face to the end doesn't make it better. Unless your definition of "better" is "condescending." I need more coffee.

The One Where Jack's Apt Goes All Poltergeist

After the aforementioned ceiling leak incident (and the fact that after that initial phone call, I have never been contacted again about getting the leak fixed), I decided it would be easier to move than to get my building managers to repair, or even care about repairing, my apartment. I decided this as I was walking back to the apartment from my bus stop and as I opened the gate to get into the back area where my front door is, I noticed a large swath of trash on the ground. My next door neighbor "lost his trash key," so he's just been leaving empty Hungry Man containers outside his door (not even in a bag, just lying on the ground) and the resident possums had been kind enough to spread the mess around. Then, I unlocked my front door, walked in and flipped on the overhead light, which flickered on and then burned out. THEN I gently parted the curtain that has been hanging, without incident, in front of my kitchenette for over a year, and the curtain rod sprang from the wall and rod and curtain fell down, hitting me on the head and wrapping around my neck and shoulders.

Yeah, it's time to move.

The Soda Machine at Work Has Eaten My Money for the Last Time

You hear me soda machine? We're done! Don't even try calling me. That's twice now that I have given you 75 cents and you refused me a Diet Coke. This reminds me of some wise words I once heard: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me --- you can't get fooled again." - G. dub
So maybe I was fooled again because I'm a sucker, but that's the last time.

The People of the Great State of Annoyance Drink Nothing but Bottled Water

FLOW (For Love of Water) is a really informative documentary about the world water crisis. I just watched it last night and here are some facts that currently have me annoyed:

• Unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation cause 80% of all sickness and disease, and kill more people every year than all forms of violence, including war.
• Many people in the developing world, usually women and children, walk more than three hours every day to fetch water that is likely to make them sick. Those hours are crucial, preventing many from working or attending school. Additionally, collecting water puts them at greater risk of sexual harassment and assault.
• Children are especially vulnerable to the consequences of unsafe water. Of the 42,000 deaths that occur every week from unsafe water and a lack of basic sanitation, 90% are children under 5 years old.
• Of the 6 billion people on earth, 1.1 billion do not have access to safe, clean drinking water.
• The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency currently does not regulate 51 known water contaminants. (www.foodandwaterwatch.org)
• While the average American uses 150 gallons of water per day, those in developing countries cannot find five.(www.charitywater.org)
• According to the National Resources Defense Council, in a scientific study in which more than 1,000 bottles of 103 brands of water were tested, about one-third of the bottles contained synthetic organic chemicals, bacteria, and arsenic. (www.nrdc.org)
• Water is a $400 billion dollar global industry; the third largest behind electricity and oil.
• California's water supply is running out – it has about 20 years of water left in the state.
• There are over 116,000 human-made chemicals that are finding their way into public water supply systems.
• The cost per person per year for having 10 liters of safe drinking water every day is just $2 USD.

And finally, the one that really gets me going:

• The cost to provide clean drinking water to the 1.1 billion who need it is between $10 and $30 billion a year. Global sales of bottled water reached $100 billion in 2005.

I really believe this is going to be the major "what the hell were we thinking" issue of our generation. We're letting major corporations move into our communities and deplete our supply of drinking water, and then we're buying it back from them in non-renewable containers. And we're paying them 3000 times what it would cost to get it out of our faucets.

Check out FLOW when you get a chance. To read more about it go to www.flowthefilm.com. It will be available on DVD December 9th. Buy it, watch it, pass it on.

The State of Disrepair borders the State of Annoyance.

Last rainy season, my ceiling sprung a leak, some guy came out to fix it pretty quickly. Except he didn't really fix it, cause the next time it rained, there was this rust colored stain around where he patched the ceiling. I thought hmm, I wonder if that is actually fixed. And last night at about 12:30am, I got my answer: no!

I was all tucked in bed when I heard water hitting my sound system. I sprang out of bed and tried duct taping the hole, but it kept spreading and finally I just gave up and emailed the repair email address for my building. I was polite, but I also said I was not happy that this wasn't fixed properly when I was told it had been.

So I'm at work this morning and a building management lady calls me saying a roofer is coming at noon, I need to be there to let him in and I was like, uhh I'm at work, I can't leave. And the woman from management said they don't have a key to my apartment. Which is BS because someone had a key when this happened last year. So I said, well the last time this happened, someone was able to get into the apartment to fix it without me needing to be there. And she said well the owner went out there a couple of weeks ago and tried all the keys and not all of them worked, so I guess we'll just hope yours was one that works, or else, I don't know, we'll have to call a locksmith.

What exactly does my rent money go for? And what building owner doesn't have keys to all his units?

It's just been one stupid thing after another with those building managers. Like it was listed on the internet as one price, which was within my budget and that was price I wrote on the credit check form and everything. And then after the credit check goes through and I'm picking a date to sign the lease, the guy handling the lease process was like oh and the price is higher than what it said on the internet that was "an old ad." But by that time, it was almost the end of the month and I needed to get out of my apartment, so I just had to pay the new price. Or like how I was told my heater worked, when it didn't. And when the lease arranging guy told me I had a parking spot and then the mean Russian building manager told me he was going to tow my car if I kept parking in the spot that the lease arranging guy had assigned me. Or when I had to go through a security interview at an airport after my wallet was stolen and the security agent told me the registered renter of my apartment was a dude who I'd never even heard of. And why are there two names on my mailbox. I'm only one person.

Love Always, Jack

PS Building manager lady asked if "they would be able to tell where the leak was." Yeah I think so. It's the spot in the ceiling that's dripping water and has plaster and paint chips hanging from it.

11/24/08

I was pumping gas, minding my own business (I always like to throw that in there in case people forget that I do not go looking for these situations), and I noticed this homeless guy in a wheel chair who had lost both of his legs from the knee down. He rolls over to me and asks for some spare change, and then makes his way back over to the gas station attendant. The attendant seemed a little too chipper for someone who was emptying trash cans at a gas station. She was making small talk with the homeless guy, and when he decided to leave, he said goodbye to her and she said "See you later. And remember, God is great". Everyone at the gas station, including the homeless guy, just stopped and stared at her. Did she really just say "God is great" to a leg/home-less guy? I couldn't believe my ears. I've been in a state of annoyance ever since.